Painting With Brushstrokes

Here's a paragraph from an old creative writing paper. Creative writing isn't my strong point, maybe learning these brushstroke techniques will help out a bit!

As the three girls ran to the front door Kelly became more frightened contemplating situations in her head. Thoughts wandered, “What if someone gets seriously hurt or maybe even kidnapped by some crazy guy!” As these ideas were running through her mind she was unable to focus on much else, and while passing through the living room she ran directly into one of the dining room chairs, knocking it over and stubbing her big toe. The pain lasted for only a second, until the realization that there were way bigger issues at hand. The commotion the chair made was unnoticed by Julie and Clara, or at least their minds didn’t worry because they made no comment or asked if she was okay. As they all approached the front door the sunset shone through the windows, adding another element of fright because the night seemed imminent.

As the three girls were running to the front door, Kelly was becoming more frightened [participle] contemplating situations in her head. Thoughts wandered, “What if someone gets seriously hurt or maybe even kidnapped by some crazy guy!” As these ideas were running through her mind she was unable to focus on much else, and while passing through the living room she ran directly into one of the dining room chairs, knocking it over and stubbing her big toe. The pain lasted for only a second, until realizing [participle] that there were way bigger issues, possible kidnap and violence, [appositive] at hand. The commotion, loud and unexpected, [adjectives out of order] went unnoticed by Julie and Clara, or at least their minds didn’t worry because they made no comment or asked if she was okay. As they all approached the front door, the site of the crime, [appositive] the sunset was shining [participle] through the windows, adding another element of fright because the night, grim and disastrous, [adjectives out of order] seemed imminent.